Yours, Mochi

Closing my eyes, I see him. Eyes shining, teeth illuminating, I don’t think I ever saw a more wondrous sight than the one before me. Our hands brushing one another, a nervous fluttering strikes my weak stomach bulls-eyed and my heart palpitates thrice quicker than a few moments ago. Who would have thought that the man whose eyes that seem to smile would be the one to steal my heart in the end. But he did, and I don’t want to be anywhere else but beside his side. Though a resounding ache sits deep within me from the long distance, my body and soul soars higher and higher as I envision arms wrapped around me in a warm embrace, a soft kiss to the forehead, and a head nesting comfortably on my chest. There I am never alone. There I am fuller than I have ever been. I am blessed with a love that only seems to deepen with every kind thought, every soft whisper, and every grin. 

There are days rougher than others and I am learning to accept where I am now. I have to still remind myself that others are also facing their own demons and I am not the only one, but it is a start from eight months ago. If there is something I learned, it is that I do get to make my own choices and I don’t have to live a life that I don’t want and I don’t need to live miserably. A change of perspective can make a real difference and I hope that in time my outlook will get better. I would think that it would have to.

There are far too many thoughts and ideas running through my head that I wish to impart to you. Since you came to my life, I remember vividly your tiny, delicate feet, the thin wisps of your jet-black hair, the blotchy red face, the features that told me that you are real, that you are breathing life, that I have a baby sister that I need to be there for, to be responsible for. Your little fragile life depended on how well mother, father, and I cared for you. After 16 years of your life and through self-reflection, I realized that I have failed you.

Rather than providing you with the conventional wisdom for you to choose to take, I only criticized you to the brink of tears. Notwithstanding, I kept going at you like a person relishing the might and power he or she has over a person, knowing that you would listen or that you had to listen. My need for you to be this person that you weren’t meant to be was uncalled for. It wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t for me to decide and for that, I apologize. I should have not treated you the way I did and I should have never tried to drive down your worth because you are important, you are something. God created you because you have a role in this life and I should not be taking you away from it. It was not something that I expected myself to do but I did, never realizing until it was too late.

I only wanted the best for you and was blinded by the obsession of making you a carbon copy of myself, thinking that you can only succeed if you followed my steps. But hell, looking at myself now, I am a mess and not somebody that you should model from. I am not perfect and never had been and didn’t know what I was thinking when I treated you the way I did. But then again, maybe I have been lying to myself for a long time now. I know what it is-it was my self-righteousness, my arrogance, and my greed to be someone of importance to you. I thought I knew what was “right” and because of that, I made you take the brunt of my high expectations and I am sorry.

As your sister, let me remind you of a few things:

- Study well. Education is important in nourishing our mind and soul and will help us in our daily lives.

- Eat well. Don’t keep eating Ramen and fried foods every day. I am glad you are taking tennis but you still need to take care of your health.

- Find a good boy who knows you best and can take of you and vice versa.

- Find a group of friends who can help you can move forward with your life.

- When you make mistakes, learn from them and become strong. 

Though it will take you many more years before you can understand all this, I wanted to let you know that I never stopped caring. I had the best intentions and I am sorry for having poorly executed it. I wish the best for you and hope that whatever you choose will make you happy in the end. I wish I could tell you this all in person but I know that at this point of time it is not possible. Please know that no matter what I love you and please be good.

Sincerely,

Your loving sister

Spent the day reading about the POTUS and thinking how similar his sentiments and thoughts at 22 years old are to mine now. Though I need to take several grains of salt to some of the suggested truths that I have read, seeing how the articles are snippets from a Pulitzer Prize writer and through the Huffington Post and Vanity Fair, nevertheless I found the bits and pieces more authentic than the typical oratory calls for change and moving forward that has dominated his campaign slogans and public ideals.

I am still seeking to establish my identity. Though I was previously ashamed that I could not figure myself out and what I wanted to do or where my passions laid, now I have surrendered myself to the fact that I need to do some soul searching before I can really move on to the next stage of my life. Moving forward indeed is a key element in “living your life” like many others keep telling me, but going through the process of getting there is, to me, the most important. Although I am nowhere close to knowing what I want to do for the next few decades, I do know that I cannot live in the shadow of somebody else and being too afraid to speak up for fear of retaliation because of my race, my gender, or my age. I cannot keep sabotaging myself and believing that I am too weak or too stupid to be able to properly succeed and achieve the “American Dream.”

I see those stares, those hidden thoughts, the taunts and utterances that try to cast me out as someone unusual, someone foreign. People tell me that I should celebrate who I am and what my name represents, but who is to say they know who I am? My name is Vietnamese but does that signify who I am? I am neither Vietnamese nor American. I am ostracized by both groups, one by the cultural and language barrier while the other because of my physical appearance and name. It is a painful truth that I am only just grappling with since I have placed that veil in front of my eyes, not wanting to confront any past battle scars and wounds. Only now I know that I cannot rely on the thoughts and ideas of others because they surely don’t understand my story or my life the way that I do.

In my public life so far, I think that race does play a significant role in how people interact with me-whether they can be comfortable with me or whether they need to refrain from speaking of any prejudices and assumptions that they are thinking when they see the color of my skin and the features of my face. Being part of the minority, I understand whole-heartedly how difficult it is to overcome the high barriers when there is no precedence and no one to support you along the way. I know that if I want to make it somewhere, I need to learn the universal principles that connect all individuals, regardless of race, religion, age, gender, sexual orientation, culture, and ethnicity. I need to take the road less traveled and pave my way into the future. Overall, I know what I need to do. It is only the struggles now that is keeping me from being able to move and it is in times like these that I wish I had some sort of map  that could set me on the right path. But until then, I will need to continue to make choices where I can either fail or succeed and, from there, hope to open my eyes in clarity.

What do I do on a rainy Friday evening? I work on math problems at Khan Academy. I found out about this website two days ago, vaguely remembered it for some inane reason at around 8pm today and have since been hooked in leveling up on math skills I haven’t touched in about five years. It feels good, getting back on the hang of things I used to excel in. I noticed though that the way in which my brain processes math is different now and I am not sure if that is a good thing. Before, it used to come easily and I would just get it. Now, I have to kind of mutter to myself mumble-jumbo so that I can remember what I did two seconds ago. I am pretty sure that is called a short attention span and that, unfortunately as an old fart of twenty-three, I have now succumbed to aging, even though I may not look like it. Whatever, at some point I will get back my math mojo and until then, I will study and work hard on it so that when the math portion of the graduate test comes in, I will surely kick butt.

Until then, there might be some nerd talk here and there but it’s cool. It’s just one of those moments.